My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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