we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
