I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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