I swear she didn't look like that last week.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
