y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize