I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
