An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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