nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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