Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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