and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
