i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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