My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
