I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
