Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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