Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Please don't give away my fajitas
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