I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
