he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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