you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
