Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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