After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
