i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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