Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
