My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
