I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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