When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
