I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
