I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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