i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize