if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
