He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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