my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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