she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
