Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
