Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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