epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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