im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
