He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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