Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
