Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
