Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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