if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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