So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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