Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
