i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
