Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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