i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She needs sedatives and a leash
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
