Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm sobbing to NWA
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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