I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
