just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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