I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im holly from the hills drunk
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
