I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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