Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
