At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
