Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
