one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
