I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
